Stroke, etc.

Because Sumis' MRI and spinal tap did not yield the expected results, the neurologists sent the MRI to a radiologist who specializes in reading MRIs. After analyzing Sumis' MRI, she found an area indicating an infarction, most likely a stroke. This diagnosis did not surprise me as it explained some of her more bizarre behavioral changes. What it means is uncertain - like it is with humans. Stroke recovery is a very individual process. So, this diagnosis just adds a secondary waiting game.

Following her appointment with the neurologists, Sumis started taking Kepra, an anti-convulsant, flavored for her with grilled tuna. Despite this attempt at palatability, Sumis finds the concoction repulsive. To add insult to injury, this drug must be administered three times a day. Initially, it seemed to decrease her twitching and she went several days without a seizure. However, last night, she had another seizure that lasted even longer than the previous three. So, at this point, she will likely switch to Phenobarb for her seizures.

Perhaps the most difficult side effect of either the seizures, the stroke or both has been Sumis' absence of cognition. Her eyes are vacant. Every once in a while when she is sleeping on my lap she will look up at me and I will see a glimmer of my girl. When not on my lap, Sumis paces the house compulsively. While this behavior has decreased slowly but surely day by day, Sumis still has a difficult time sitting still unless curled up in my lap. The neurologist said that if the pacing was related to the seizures it would likely clear up in a few days and if it was related to the stroke it may take a couple of weeks. Let me just say that when you are taking things hour by hour, a couple of weeks seems like an eternity!

Sumis remains weak and lethargic. I know that some of this is likely related to the chemo and some of it to the fact that her body is fighting on many fronts these days. At the same time, when I look at her life these days, which at this point consists of sleeping, pacing, mindlessly eating and being pilled, I don't see a great deal of quality. If happiness is just around the bend, I am willing to keep up the fight. But I do find myself wondering when the end (her potential recovery, in what a couple months?) no longer justifies the means (feeling sick, losing all sense of joy and love). But isn't this the age old question. How do you know when? You want to fight as hard as you can for your companion but you don't want to take it too far or cause them to suffer. So, at this point, I am left answerless.