Zoomis Sumis Loomis Lonkin Climber Peer Dead Grass Eater crossed the rainbow bridge this morning under our kumquat tree and the morning sunshine. She asked this morning that we let her go, in a quiet voice framed by her dainty canine teeth. And so we quietly obliged. She departed to Karla Bonoff's "Goodbye My Friend," a song she wrote for her cat. Before she left I looked into the shimmering green of her eyes and told her that I would love her forever and miss her every second of every day. She went so quietly and so quickly. Once she was gone, I placed her in her favorite square basket and propped her just as she has propped herself so many times. She looked so peaceful, just like she was sleeping away a lazy morning.
The last couple of days have been so very difficult. She lost strength and life with each minute and we all kept hoping that the sliver of a miracle that lay before us might actually come true. So, I sat with her and recounted our favorite memories. I held her and sang to her. The sound of my voice, its familiar vibration, would ease her into relaxation. Last night she curled on my chest and we slept soundly together, her last night among the living. This morning, we woke peacefully and that is when she told me.
I am awash in grief. I don't even know where to be in this house. Sumis has been with me the entire time I have lived in this house - every corner of its structure holds a memory. I want to sit with her, quiet now in her basket, but I also need to let go. And the memories, while I am so blessed to have so many wonderful memories, they are so cutting to my raw heart. Still, I know I will sit in the next day or so and write for her, remember her, grace her with the last gift I can give her. I will post my list of memories as the final bookend of this blog.
To all of you who have followed the blog and who have supported me through this process, thank you. Please send your thoughts of Sumis high into the sky where she can catch them as she becomes acquainted with the mugs and mits already romping among the stars.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Fighting the Fight
Yesterday, Sumis took a dramatic turn for the worse. After eating her lunch, I put her on the floor to prowl around for a bit, and she was unable to stand without falling or to walk any distance at all. While she has been a little ataxic since her seizures, this was significantly worse. At that point, I fell apart, knowing it was time. I wrapped her up in her Paws for Peace blanket and sat with her out in the sun, whispering to her that I would keep my promise. We called the specialty center and decided to take Sumis in to see the oncologist. At that point our intention was to run our decision by an objective third party and get a IV catheter placed so we could do an at home euthanasia. The oncologist assured us that it was okay to say goodbye now, that we had given Sumis every opportunity to rally and she had just not been able to get out in front of it. She also told us that because the GI lymphoma seemed to be responding to the chemo we could try a round of radiation therapy to try to lick what we think is lymphoma in her central nervous system (brain and spinal cord). She said that because lymphocytes are so responsive to radiation we would use a very low dose and the side effects would essentially non-existent. She also said we would know quickly, within 48 hours, if Sumis was going to respond. If she didn't respond dramatically that either meant that her neurologic symptoms were a result of a thromboembolic event (throwing clots) or a result of irreparable damage caused by the lymphoma. Regardless of which of these was the cause, if we don't see a dramatic change by the weekend, we have decided to say goodbye to Sumis and let her drift to the peace of the Rainbow Bridge. Even as I type these words, I feel like I am being gutted. But, I have a promise to keep and as to that I am unwavering.
So, Sumis received her first radiation treatment this morning. We were concerned about putting her under anesthesia because she is so sick, but we had decided that if she didn't make it through the procedure, it was her way of saying enough. And it would have been an equally peaceful way to go on her part. The oncology service was very gentle with us this morning. And Sumis did just fine under anesthesia. In fact, her blood pressure remained in the high normal range for the entire procedure. Sumis was treated with a cobalt machine and received radiation on both sides of her brain for about 3 minutes per side. She woke up from the procedure quickly and peacefully. As I write this entry, she is asleep on her bed, waking only here and there to glare at the barking dogs who are on high alert as a result of the cable repairman's vist this afternoon.
So, for now, we wait to see how she responds. In the meantime, she is comfortable, although tired. And very hungry. She even showed an interest in my lunch this afternoon. I must say that the waiting involved in these treatment protocols has been the hardest part - with seconds stretching to eons. And here we are again with 48 hours of anticipation, worry, and trepidation spanning before us. But as anyone who has loved an animal knows, this difficult ending process is made worth the pain by all the years of undying and unconditional love.
So, Sumis received her first radiation treatment this morning. We were concerned about putting her under anesthesia because she is so sick, but we had decided that if she didn't make it through the procedure, it was her way of saying enough. And it would have been an equally peaceful way to go on her part. The oncology service was very gentle with us this morning. And Sumis did just fine under anesthesia. In fact, her blood pressure remained in the high normal range for the entire procedure. Sumis was treated with a cobalt machine and received radiation on both sides of her brain for about 3 minutes per side. She woke up from the procedure quickly and peacefully. As I write this entry, she is asleep on her bed, waking only here and there to glare at the barking dogs who are on high alert as a result of the cable repairman's vist this afternoon.
So, for now, we wait to see how she responds. In the meantime, she is comfortable, although tired. And very hungry. She even showed an interest in my lunch this afternoon. I must say that the waiting involved in these treatment protocols has been the hardest part - with seconds stretching to eons. And here we are again with 48 hours of anticipation, worry, and trepidation spanning before us. But as anyone who has loved an animal knows, this difficult ending process is made worth the pain by all the years of undying and unconditional love.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Her Eyes
Looking into the eyes of an old friend who has re-emerged from the fog of disease makes your heart skip a beat with joy. While Sumis still has a fight ahead of her, I can see her when I look into her eyes. She has picked some old habits up again - head butting, getting rubs and of course, swatting Fanny. She has retained some new habits - her insistent snuggling with the dogs, particularly Frisco and Fanny. But, for the first time in weeks I see hope, true and reasonable hope, before us and it feels good.
Poor Sumis has had several medications added to her growing regiment. She has to take lactulose to help combat her constipation, and while the smell just about bowled me over, she doesn't seem to mind taking it at all. Figures. She is taking her loose herbs in her food pretty willingly. She is at about half her dose and tolerating them well. I also started her on a blood tonic herb from Dr. P this weekend when I noticed that her gum and tongue color were very pale. This too seems to have given her a boost of strength. Overall, though, Sumis is a very compliant patient. She seems to understand the whole regiment and doesn't fight me. Thanks goodness - because I already feel guilty having to cram so much down her.
Tonight we see Dr. P for another qi gong treatment.
Poor Sumis has had several medications added to her growing regiment. She has to take lactulose to help combat her constipation, and while the smell just about bowled me over, she doesn't seem to mind taking it at all. Figures. She is taking her loose herbs in her food pretty willingly. She is at about half her dose and tolerating them well. I also started her on a blood tonic herb from Dr. P this weekend when I noticed that her gum and tongue color were very pale. This too seems to have given her a boost of strength. Overall, though, Sumis is a very compliant patient. She seems to understand the whole regiment and doesn't fight me. Thanks goodness - because I already feel guilty having to cram so much down her.
Tonight we see Dr. P for another qi gong treatment.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Emerging
We have had a very difficult week and even more difficult weekend. Sumis has had a hard time adjusting to the phenobarb. It has erased an already fragile mental connection she had to reality. On Thursday when I took Sumis to her chemo appointment, she was too weak to even sit up on her own. I knew objectively that this was a normal side effect of the phenobarb but it knocked the wind out of me to watch. I asked the oncologist if she thought we should continue. She told me that we should continue, that we would really know where things stand soon. She also said that despite the spinal tap results she suspected that the lymphoma had invaded Sumis' central nervous system. If it had been just a stroke we should be seeing some recovery and the fact that we hadn't made her fairly sure of this diagnosis. So, we altered Sumis' chemo protocol to include a drug that will cross the blood brain barrier. Lucky for Sumis this drug is oral, so no needles this week beyond her blood draw. The oncologist also said that lymphoma in the cns is "exquisitely" responsive to radiation treatment. She said that it often only takes a couple of treatments to completely "dry the cancer out." Before we give up, she told me, we will try some radiation. We had a little scare while waiting to check out. Sumis began to posture the way animals do when they are about to go into cardiac arrest. I panicked and nearly the entire oncology department came to the rescue. It turned out she was straining to poop! Needless to say, I felt pretty silly.
Friday Sumis was still very lethargic. Saturday, Sumis spent the entire, and by entire I do NOT exaggerate, day pacing. She had not pooped since Thursday and I could feel a pearl-like necklace of poop backed up in her abdomen (sorry for the details). By Saturday afternoon, I realized that Sumis was uncomfortable and constipated. So, we gave her some subcutaneous fluids and laxatone to try to help things along. Finally, Sumis collapsed in my arms late Saturday night. She slept a few hours before returning to her pacing. Sunday morning I awoke to Sumis vomiting. When I went to investigate, she was straining so hard to poop that she was making herself sick. At that point, my significant other administered an enema and had to manually remove some feces. Sumis felt so much better after this. She was finally able to rest comfortably. Throughout the rest of the day, Sumis was able to poop on her own.
Since emerging from the phenobarb fog, the constipation and the latest round of chemo, Sumis actually seems much better. She asked for chin rubs and head butts this morning and when she got them started purring. She is still not out of the woods yet, but I am farther away from the decision I thought was imminent yesterday.
Friday Sumis was still very lethargic. Saturday, Sumis spent the entire, and by entire I do NOT exaggerate, day pacing. She had not pooped since Thursday and I could feel a pearl-like necklace of poop backed up in her abdomen (sorry for the details). By Saturday afternoon, I realized that Sumis was uncomfortable and constipated. So, we gave her some subcutaneous fluids and laxatone to try to help things along. Finally, Sumis collapsed in my arms late Saturday night. She slept a few hours before returning to her pacing. Sunday morning I awoke to Sumis vomiting. When I went to investigate, she was straining so hard to poop that she was making herself sick. At that point, my significant other administered an enema and had to manually remove some feces. Sumis felt so much better after this. She was finally able to rest comfortably. Throughout the rest of the day, Sumis was able to poop on her own.
Since emerging from the phenobarb fog, the constipation and the latest round of chemo, Sumis actually seems much better. She asked for chin rubs and head butts this morning and when she got them started purring. She is still not out of the woods yet, but I am farther away from the decision I thought was imminent yesterday.
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